Fred's Favorite Road Jokes
[Featuring our new attribution policy.]
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was too far to walk around.
[from Three Hearts and Three Lions by Poul Anderson]
A: For some fowl reason.
[source unknown]
A: Do I look like some kind of chicken psychologist? How the heck should I know?!
[From Fred Herring]
A: To get to the other side.
[source unknown, but probably Vaudville; the original is still the greatest!]
Q: Why did the chicken go half way across the road? A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
[source unknown]
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A: He was stapled to the chicken.
[From my kids who got if from who knows?]
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
[From my kids who got if from who knows?]
Q: What do you get if you cross a road with a chicken?
A: A bunch of bad jokes.
[From Fred Herring, unfortunately]
Q: What do you get if you cross a rooster with another rooster?
A: A mighty cross rooster.
[source unknown--or choses to remain anonymous; this attribution thing seemed like a good idea at the time, but enough is enough!]
Laughing His Head Off--A Crude "Flash"® Animation
 | | Click the picture to see the animation. (It may take a while to load and play the first time, but once it does, it will keep repeating and repeating and repeating until you are ready to break your computer... or simply close the window it's playing in.)
You will need the Macromedia® "Flash" Player to see the animation. If it's not already on your computer, click here to download it.
Don't laugh... this could happen to you! |
Quotations from Chairman Mike
[Sorry, Mike, but you weren't around to say, "You want to publish WHAT?!" --Fred]
To a certain degree, this website owes its existence to our friend Michael Jaffe, without whose unfaltering example and unintentional encouragement none of this would have happened. Ironically, it was Mike who said, "I owe my existence to my mother being hard of hearing. My dad would ask, 'You want to go to sleep or what?' and she'd say, 'What?!' "
According to Mike his parents have always had a strange and wonderful relationship. For example, he claims, "They met on a cruise, which is why my dad has trouble getting excited unless he hears aOOOOgaaaaa!"
With his mom being Catholic and his dad being Jewish, Mike says, "When I was growing up, to celebrate the holidays, every night for eight days we'd burn a Christmas tree."
As Mike once said about the rest of his family, "All things are relative. All relatives are thing. My relatives took all my things."
And, of course, it was the young Mike who, when asked by his high school coach if he could pass a football, replied, "Heck, coach, I can't even swallow one!"
But then, Mike always seemed to be in strange conversational situations, not always of his own making. He once commented, "I'll never forget what my uncle told me on his death bed: 'Mike... Arrglaglgglglaaag....' "
As for matters of life and death, let's not forget as Mike once explained, "If you're driving and have to stop suddenly, your life's in your foot's hands!"
Back on the subject of religion, overhearing a public service announcement that a church picnic had been cancelled due to rain, Mike commented, "It was probably cancelled Deuteronomy, or rather, due to lack of ronomy... dudalacoronomy? Isn't that the surgical removal of your dudalac?"
Perhaps Mike's greatest insight came late in life. As he is fond of saying, "I should have listened to what my mother was telling me when I was growing up." When asked, "What was that, Mike?" he invariably replies, "I don't know, I wasn't listening!"
Despite those early traumas, Mike grew up normal... or at least he grew up. He continues to meet life head on and takes people at face value. He puts it this way: "I never Metamusil I didn't like!"
Wacky in a Winter Wonderingland and other Non Sequitors
"In a snow storm, no two people have the same fingerprints." --Fred Herring
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him grow moss." --Syd Ceasar?
"Take no prisoners!" --Custer before the Battle of Little Big Horn
"Don't burn your bridges 'til you're on them." --Fred's former neighbor
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." --off-hand remark by an unknown source
"Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs at you." --Fred Herring in pain
"You know, they laughed at Red Skelton!" --Fred Herring in denial
"Asp not what your country can do for you..." --Cleopatra, queen of denial
Speaking of the Nile, as one sarcophagus asked another, "Is that you, coffin?"
"There's a whole mess o' Potamians out there!" --Mike Jaffe paraphrasing the Egyptians under siege by invading Hittites
"Serfs up!" --Fred Herring paraphrasing King John under siege by revolting peasants
("I beg your pardon?!" --peasant reacting to that last attribution)
And speaking of attribution, who else but Fred Herring would take credit for the latest idea in extreme sports: Riding lawn mowers on a half pipe!
At Last! The True Meaning of Life in Twenty-five Words or Less!
by Fred Herring, one of the unsolved mysteries of the universe
It came to me in an ecstatic flash of revelation, something so simple and yet so profound it will change your life forever: Life is...
[Sorry, but that's twenty-five words. --ed.]
| 
